Rites of Passages- a New Year’s Eve Meditation
This time of year we often look back at the past 12 months. What took place in the world and in our lives? It has been a turbulent year in many aspects. The global economy continues to be wobbly, there has been social unrest in many places and also Mother Nature reminded us of her powers through earthquakes and volcanic eruptions.
Add to that your own personal experiences. Maybe you lost your job, found a new one or were promoted? Maybe you left what had been your home for many years, or a short time and moved far, or not so far away? Perhaps someone close to you passed away or is no longer in your life? Maybe someone new has entered your life: a friend, a child or a spouse? Whatever it is, we tend to want to look back at our life and find meaning and purpose in it as we approach the transition into a new year.
I find it fascinating that we as humans have a need to create times of transition and celebrate or mark them with rituals, so called rites of passage; such as end of summer celebrations (Labor Day in the US, Venetian Evening in Ostrobothnia in Finland where I grew up), coming of age rituals (Bar and Bat Mitzvah, Sweet 16, Confirmation), or funeral traditions. It seems to be an innate need we have as human beings, but why?
I lost my father recently and the meaning of a funeral as a rite of transition has been on my mind. What is the transition in a funeral? The funeral is the rite when we by remembering and honoring the life of the deceased simultaneously allow the surviving family and friends to openly grieve the loss of the loved one and thus help them move on. The grieving process is longer than a funeral, of course, but the role of the funeral rite is to encourage us to mentally and emotionally begin the process of letting go of the deceased. The funeral is really the beginning of a new phase in our lives.
New Years Eve celebrations are also a rite of passage when we mark the end of a phase in our personal lives and the beginning of a new one. We will add or celebrate another anniversary of our birth in the New Year, we will file taxes according to the annual cycle, our society is constructed around our concept of time and would not function without it (remember the panic at the New Year transition 1999-2000?). But it is really a human creation, created by us to help us understand and create meaning in our existence.
Now let us adapt this concept to more common events in our personal lives, such as leaving a job or moving to a new region or country. They are both significant events in our lives, but sometimes we fail to remember that. We are used to seeing weddings, childbirth and funerals as significant lifetime events, but ignore how important the more mundane times of transitions are.
Losing a job is significant. It entails missing colleagues who also are friends, it entails the loss of core aspects of our identity and for many the loss of the feeling of being part of a group, a community, and the society at large. Not to mention the loss of financial security and plans for the future.
We need rites of passages for losing a job! Maybe some of you have them? You go out for drinks and dinner with colleagues and friends; you take time off to travel or focus on a longtime dream project, such as building a boat.
If you have lost or left a job or relocated globally, have a rite of passage! Create your own! Next allow yourself the time to miss and grieve your previous life; your friends, the house, the climate, the job, your office, and perhaps your daily routine. Then begin the processes of creating a new life for you. Explore your opportunities; be open to your thoughts, feelings and dreams and, experiment.
Not all career transitions and global relocation are painful. Maybe you were excitedly looking forward to the change, to a new beginning, just as many of us look forward to a New Year with new possibilities. Seize that positive energy and conserve some of it (keep a diary of thoughts and feelings, for example) for times later in the transition when life may feel like an uphill battle and the first enthusiasm for the New Year, the new career, new home, new country or new project has waned.
The Opportunity and Challenge in Moving
One of my workshop participants once said that it feels as she left her best self in her country of origin and that her current version of her self is inferior: less self confident, successful and happy. Professionally she does not feel as accomplished and proud.
Moving to a new country, region or even just a new town or city is both an opportunity and a challenge. I have found it refreshing to move to a new location, even for a short period of time. As an exchange student in France in my mid 20s I felt as if my life was an empty sheet of paper with limitless opportunities for writing a new personal story. Leaving my safe and predictable life in college behind opened new opportunities for me to explore who I am, who I want to be and how to transform. My move to the US from Finland in my late 20s was my ultimate leap of faith. I had another chance to start anew, to explore a new country, new friends and create new goals and dream up new dreams. It has been challenging, but worthwhile. I have learned tremendously.
This is the thrilling aspect of moving and leaving the known and safe behind. It is a wonderful opportunity to create something new, but requires that you remain open to exploring and learning more about yourself and the world.
One key factor to my positive experiences moving across the world is that I was in control. I initiated the move through my own wishes and actions. I was young and single without a family to care for. I was not forced to move because of political, economical or financial reasons or because of my partner’s job. These issues immediately complicate a transition.
Global relocation has been a very different experience for my workshop participant. She followed her spouse to his new job and has children to care for. Her circle of control is much narrower and more people’s well-being depends on how she feels about and adjusts to the new country. Her professional identity is weakened as she has left those who know her accomplishments and career story behind on the other side of the world. In her new city, few know her professional successes and her reputation.
What can we do to facilitate a transition to a new country or city? Research has shown that personality traits such as how you handle uncertainty and change influence the success of the relocation. How much were you involved in the decision making process prior to the move? Have your spouse and his/her employer listened to your needs and attempted to meet them? How do your children feel about the move? How much do you know about the country you are relocating to, it’s history, culture, language, schools and job market?
If you know that change and uncertainty are difficult for you, take time to prepare as much as possible prior to the move. Try to gather information about your new home. Give yourself plenty of time to process your thoughts and feelings related to the upcoming change. Talk to people you trust, your friends, your spouse and your family.
If you are moving with your spouse because of a job assignment, ask the employer to provide assistance finding a home, schools, and career support, if relevant. Demand that your and your family’s needs are taken into account when planning the logistics of relocation. Use the internet and social media to create relationships where you are going and to maintain your relationships with your family, friends and colleagues left behind.
Talk to others who have lived in the same city or region, find a cultural informant. Most of all, try to remain positive and open to new experiences and opportunities to learn. This doesn’t mean ignoring your negative feelings and fears, but it means facing your fears and being open to finding and receiving support to overcome them.
In my next blog I will discuss how to use the internet, social media and networking sites such as LinkedIn and Facebook to nurture your professional and personal relationships, especially if you are a global nomad with your career in your carry-on.
Being in Transition
To be in transition is to be on the way. On the way to something different, something better, something new or perhaps something familiar. Sometimes being in transition is voluntary, other times we are forced into it. Either way what we make of the time “being in transition” is central to what we find at the end. Often “being in transition” between jobs makes us feel anxious, worried and down. We may face an unknown future, filled with unanswered questions. We feel as if our circle of control has shrunk immensely.
In many ways life is “being in transition” . From the moment we are born we are on the way somewhere. Each day as our body matures, we learn to crawl, to walk, to speak, and to read, we are in transition. In transition from infancy to childhood, from childhood to our teenage years and on to adulthood, old age and towards the end of our life. While being in the transition of life, we love, we learn and we create. We experience moments of joy and success, disappointment and failure, boredom and stagnation.
Placing a career transition or relocation transition into the larger context of our lives helps us gain perspective on the moment and its challenges. While it may feel extremely challenging at times, keeping our faith in ourselves and in our possibilities and in the gift of life is the first step towards reaching our goals.
It is important that we remember to respect ourselves, our needs, values, skills and celebrate our successes. But succeeding alone is almost impossible or at least much harder, so sharing our challenges and successes with those close to us is imperative. Talk to you friends and family, start a support group or join one!
The keys to a successful transition can be translated into the word RISE: R for respecting yourself, I for identifying your values and skills, S for sharing with family and friends and E for enjoying the new beginning.
Moving to a new country or region can feel daunting and scary. We leave the familiar behind, our family and friends , a job we like and a culture we know and feel part of. Therefore it is not surprising that relocation can be so stressful. What can we do to ease the stress and help ourselves and our family transition into the new?
Keep a curious and open mind, investigate the new country, region and culture before you decide if you like it or not. Find out as much as you can before you move and keep on learning. Ask questions, look for others who have gone through a similar move, and to the same location. Share your concerns and expectations with family and friends. Join an online or in person support group. And last but not least identify and understand your own assumptions and how your history and origins has influenced you. This will help you understand your new neighbors and coworkers.
RISE can also define your successful relocation: R for recognizing your assumptions, I for investigating the new before you judge, S for soliciting and sharing advise and E for exploring the world with curiosity.
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