I grew up in a small town in western Finland. My family was a typical middle-class Finnish family, except that we come from the small Swedish-speaking minority. Both of my parents grew up on farms. Neither of them graduated high school, only the well-to-do in Finland went to high school in the 1950s & 1960s. Through vocational schooling my parents landed jobs in nursing and managing a dairy. They supported our family of six, at times working two jobs. My father grew up on a large, rather wealthy farm while my mother was the daughter of a poor, out of wedlock, but very hard working farmer who at one point relocated his own family to Sweden in search of work.
The stories I grew up with were about hardship and sacrifice; about doing the right thing, about only looking into the mirror to check for dirt on your face, and to never waste time. There was always work to do.
Both of my grandfathers served in the Second World War fighting the now epic battles of the Winter War against the much larger and more powerful Soviet Union. I recall seeing their medals in the drawer of the bedside table, as a child. I recall the grownups discussing the war, their sacrifice fighting for Finland’s freedom, and the heroic work of the Finnish women, who stayed behind on the farms to raise the children and feed their families, alone, while the men were at war.
The stories and tales that shaped me are mostly about Sisu, the Finnish concept of Grit (see my post Finnish Sisu). They are about honor, doing the right thing and most of all, persevering in the face of adversity. It is a tall order to live up to.
Many of us younger Finns protested against this severe national legacy and sought a more life & joy-embracing philosophy to live by, but it is difficult to let go of those early lessons. You never really do. The influence of those first few years is strong.
I moved to the US in my late 20s; a young woman in love and ready to leave Finland for the opportunities and the promise of reinvention in a foreign country. I have adopted a homeland built upon different stories. The American stories are tales of heroes seeking a new life and freedom to live as they believe; they were individuals with a focus on the future and an optimistic belief in the limitless opportunities of humans. An optimism that at times can seem naive for someone like me who grew up with a more somber and according to many Europeans, a more realistic world view.
I honestly admit that I find the American optimism more life-embracing than the worldview I left behind. Many of the European clients I work with tend to agree. There is an energy and creativity in optimism.
Two books have inspired some good debate in my household and prompted me to again embrace and reexamine the lessons of my childhood and the values of my new homeland: How Children Succeed – Grit Curiosity and the Hidden Power of Character by Paul Touch, and Bright-Sided, How the Relentless Promotion of Positive Thinking has Undermined America by Barbara Ehrenreich.
Paul Touch speaks about and shows us the importance of teaching our children character strengths that will help them succeed. He identified them as grit, self-control, zest, social intelligence, gratitude, optimism and curiosity. Intelligence, high IQ and access to the best quality education are not enough for our children to be their best. We need to show them how to endure adversity, not to give up, not be afraid to make a mistake or to question a common truth. In Finland we would tell them they need to find their inner Sisu, the perseverance to endure and continue to try to do our best.
It is important that we do not shelter our children from all difficulty and challenges. Sometimes I feel that we in middle-class America are sheltering our children too much. We heap them with praise and do not show them that difficulty and hard work can be something positive. What we are doing is depriving them of the opportunity to experience the joy and pride that comes from reaching an especially hard-fought goal.
Barbara Ehrenreich’s latest book is the antithesis to American optimism and almost revolutionary. While I do not agree with many of her arguments (she tears apart my Career Coaching profession), I do agree that relentless promotion of positive thinking can be destructive. In my work I often meet people who lost their job not because of something they did or did not do, but because of external factors, such as the global economy. No matter what they did, how hard they worked or how positive their outlook was, the job was no longer there. I cannot tell my client just to be positive and things will work out. That is adding a burden to someone who is already down. Unemployment is not his or her fault and it is normal to be upset, disappointed and down. What you need at this time is empathy, not relentless optimism.
However, how we react to adversity has been shown to have an impact on our mental health and ability to manage life’s obstacles. Those who are able to depersonalize mistakes and to not beat themselves up are able to forgive, forget and move on faster. Accepting excess individual responsibility and being too hard on yourself will hold you back and create new and unnecessary obstacles. This is what M.E.P Seligman, the father of positive psychology writes about in Learned Optimism-How to Change your Mind and Life.
My upbringing might have been a bit heavy on personal responsibility, grit and Sisu and too light on optimism and positive thinking. But combine American optimism with Finnish Sisu and you just might get a productive and empowering world-view.
